I suffer from jealousy on an irregular basis. It always astonishes me when I find myself in its grips. I don’t go seeking situations to be jealous of, I just get activated into jealousy by the most random events. When I speak of jealousy, I’m not speaking of jealousy between men and women or between women over men in my case.
The jealousy that surfaces in my life, rises up from the deep, damaged places within me. These places hold the memories of a child longing for connection: for her mother’s or her father’s attention. I never intentionally blame my parents for my childhood wounds; I have a deep understanding of their own struggles and challenges. At the same time, it is undeniable that many of my life issues originated in my childhood. Yes, I was fed and clothed, given an education and a great house to grow up in, but I’m not sure how appreciated I was as a young child, or how I was held, physically, mentally or emotionally. Parents in the 1950’s-60’s tended to follow Dr. Spock’s parenting suggestions about not spoiling children by not holding them too much. I was definitely from the “let them cry it out” generation, for good or for ill– mostly for ill.
Sometimes, this plays out for me as an adult, when I notice other people that I know, mostly friends, who are able to get their needs met; for companionship, friendship, feeling valued and cared for. Somehow, when I see a friend of mine hanging out with another friend of mine, my first aberrant thought is; feeling excluded, ignored and jealous. I recognize, it’s quite irrational. Is this because as a child, I’d experienced jealousy, witnessing others getting the love (or the toy or the front seat, etc.) that I’d wished I’d had? I have no direct memory of my own childhood jealousy, but I definitely have observed my own children’s experiences with it. We are not alone in feeling pangs of jealousy getting triggered by random events. I truly believe that whatever one person is feeling, there are likely hundreds, if not thousands of us also feeling similar things.
For some reason, once I begin to focus on an issue, in this case, jealousy; once I begin to shine my light, my awareness on it, it already begins to shift, to be healed. Our internal wounds simply await our notice, our acknowledgement, our acceptance and our compassion. Most likely, these same wounds were caused by the opposite experience; going unnoticed, being ignored, unacknowledged, unaccepted, without compassion.
So, when I write about my trials and tribulations, I’m not writing about them to request sympathy or pity or even understanding. I am writing to offer solace, compassion and navigation tools for those who may suffer similar pangs. I’ve learned to not judge my experiences as bad or wrong, they are just experiences that are part of me. Sometimes, in life, it is reassuring to find out that you are not alone in a particular suffering. That you are not alone in troubling and disturbing thoughts. I think it is useful to understand that most things are common to the human condition. When I bump into my pile of jealousy, it catches my attention immediately, as it is so out of sight, normally. This motivates me to dive in and process it, because I am not fond of sitting in a pile of jealousy for long. I am also incredibly curious to understand, “where did this come from?” Once I bump into this pile of jealousy and begin to delve into it, it is with the clear intention of healing it, at least this current layer of it.
Whenever we set the intention to heal whatever uncomfortable thing we are bumping into, it becomes a plea to the universe, to a higher power (or to whatever you believe in), to bring you help. All of our prayers to the Divine are heard and answered, whether we realize it or not. By making this plea, we invite and expect support to help us resolve something. It is possible to do this consciously or unconsciously, either way works. As I have progressed on my life path, I have opted to consciously request help more often. The amount of help available to us is limitless, which means there is no penalty for asking for help and there is no limit as to how many times we ask for help.
By the time I write about an issue that I have recently bumped into and resolved, it is exactly that: resolved, for the time being. It’s what I do; I bump into something, it’s uncomfortable, I might reject it for a minute or two or three, then I accept that it has arrived and deserves some of my attention. I quiet myself; I breathe into my thoughts about it, I breathe out what I’m feeling mixed with some light and then I usually receive some sort of insight, experience some sort of aha moment, come away with some sense of understanding that I hadn’t had before. And I realize, I’ve just processed through (yet) another deeper layer of a lifelong problem. Will it be healed forever? I doubt it. Am I getting better at processing through them, on the 15th pass? Maybe. But I really think the key is just accepting whatever lands in my lap and committing to going down the stream of life with it, asking the questions, so that I can receive the answers and create peace within once again, for however long it lasts this time.