I know the darkness and the darkness knows me

IMG_4527I have conquered my darkness in the past after years of negotiating with it. I recognize its familiar tendrils creeping into my psyche, retreating and reasserting. I am not totally surprised that my dance with depression isn’t completely over; more intrigued to see what must be revealed so that it can be healed once again.

One of my favorite teachers from the 90’s, Rev. Rosalyn Bruyere, used to always say, “we need something in life to bump up against, some thing to run into, so that we can heal more of our layers of wounded-ness.“ Whatever we bump into, whatever slows us down or impedes us, provides fodder for our personal growth.

I am sure my broken leg was completely on schedule; a random opportunity to delve deeper into my sacred life cache. Too many things in my life were “taken care of “ just in time, right before I would lose my mobility for 6+ weeks for these synchronicities to go by unnoticed. All the garden chores, hiking field trips for visiting foreign grad students, and family visits out of state all were taken care of before the fateful slip on dewy grass.

Thankfully, I know what homeopathic medicines help heal injuries and I know how to ask my reiki community for in person and remote reiki sessions. I also employ my own “Inhale Light” protocol to help release all the mental and emotional layers wafting through.

When I started to feel like a victim 2 weeks ago and began to pity myself, the reiki sessions I received helped to shine the light on past times where I had felt sorry for myself and we focused the healing on that. After receiving reiki three days in a row from other practitioners, I was feeling very sensitive and eventually had multiple crying releases on Sunday of that week.

Having all of our children and grand children home for the week after that was delightful and exhausting on so many levels. Now that everyone has gone home, the quiet presents a new opportunity. I’ve entered a new phase with my broken leg which internet sources describe as subacute pain. This is the pain that comes as the bones heal and the muscles weaken. My initial response to this new pain was frustration and fear. After reading up on it and seeing that subacute pain is part of the normal healing process, I had to go through a few stages before I got to acceptance.

The stages of anger, resistance, rejection and depression were very similar to past dips into those states, with the major difference being; I now know I will get to the other side and that it will not take any where near as long as it used to. I already see the light at the end of the tunnel and the tunnel is much shorter now after having cleared out so many old tunnels long ago.

So I sit at the edge of the opening and welcome the Light.